SeanOKelly.us

I know I said I would tell you about ICU psychosis today but there is a larger more pressing issue, The PICU bathroom… I have spent far too much time in this room and now have a mental map of all the mysterious stains on the floor. I am trying not to let myself wonder how they got there and what could cause them to remain after what I’m sure is a gazillion assaults from the hospital supper mop. (This is just a sampling of the thoughts that go through my head here.)

The amounts of long dark hairs that litter the floor are starting to become a concern for me. I am wondering if the person they belong to is aware that half their head of hair is in the PICU bathroom. Are they ok? I’m growing concerned for the health of their scalp. Then there is the paper towel dispenser. It is the frustrating type that rations out one towel at a time and you’re lucky to get that. Here is how it works. You must use both hands. Grasp the towel from its opposite sides, and give a firm tug strait down. Failing to do this will result in a partial piece, and then you will have to use the default method which I hate more than anything. You must spin this little red handle on the side to reset the whole operation. Disgusting. Now I have to wash my hands all over again. Asking me to use two hands is asking too much, I’m sorry I just can’t do it. I’m a one handed paper towel grabber.

Maybe the most frustrating thing of all is when there are no toilet seat covers left. Gentlemen this is not so much of an issue for you, but we ladies need these. Note to janitorial staff, (this is an unpardonable offense). When these are missing you have one of two choices, (disclaimer, it’s about to get graphic) you can either squat, mmhmm, or you can play toilet papier-mâché. I usually go with the later. In this scenario you must cover the toilet in multiple little pieces of paper until there is no seat showing and no possible skin to seat contact can be made.

At home when Chloe uses the potty she gets a “potty treat” some kind of little candy. I think after all of this I should get a potty treat too. But let’s upgrade mine to a more adult appropriate treat such as a Starbucks . Of course this will eventually lead me back to the bathroom. So what to do? Hmmmm diamonds?